Eat less, move more.....

I've crammed a load of different things into my life. I have charmed a certain number of people into believing this makes me multi-talented, widely travelled and well read. There are others – a group which includes my mother, at least one sister and a husband – who attribute it to a short attention span, which I think is just mean.
Today I was mostly wearing my nutritionist hat, attending a fascinating conference on diet. It was fascinating mainly because this was a gathering of the globe’s most highly qualified and experienced experts, flown in from all corners of the world to help combat obesity – and I’ve never heard such a load of old cobblers.
Now I’m very sorry, but after many years of working in the fitness industry, I’m certain this is not something the World’s Best Brains need to spend millions researching and three days discussing. I sat through lectures by Doctor Bangonalot who told us that the only way to shed pounds was to measure every meal’s carb-protein ratio correctly. Another dietician with a whole alphabet of letters after his name and twenty years experience had flown from New Zealand to announce that the only proven method was to eat nothing for six months. Er, what now? Nothing? Nothing. At all.
The third speaker declared she’d developed a ground-breaking system. She’d been working on it full time for the last three years, thanks to a massive government research grant (don’t ask, I can’t bear to tell you). She had reached the conclusion that the most effective way to lose weight is to go to a supportive club like Weight Watchers but – and here’s where you get your money’s worth people – combine it with her own unique exercise programme. Which was available to buy.
I may be a Jack-of-all-trades rather than a global master of one like these folk, but three hours was enough for me, never mind three days. I high-tailed it out of there, grabbing a complimentary chocolate from the lobby (I promise I’m not joking) on the way out.
A few years ago I had an idea for my own diet book which I planned to bring out in time for the Christmas market. Now I’m seriously going to do it.
Because my diet is the only one that really works long term. I call it the ‘Eat less, move more’ diet. My plan is to create a book with a truly sumptuous cover that you want to treasure forever, maybe a gorgeous design or that heavy moleskin that you get on upmarket travel journals.
Embossed on the cover would be the immortal words, ‘Eat less, move more.’ Inside the paper would be of the best quality, and the fly sheet would say it again, in gold maybe. ‘Eat less. Move more’.
The rest of the book would be blank. Because that’s it, isn’t it? I could put it a few other ways; ingest fewer calories than you burn; eat a cake, run a mile; use more energy than you take in; but it’s all just words and I can’t be bothered to think of any more (unless I get a few hundred grand in a research grant, which is a possibility).
I know there are psychological factors and occasional medical conditions that affect people’s weight but, honestly, hand on heart, that is not what these people were talking about.
My charming book will make the perfect gift for loved ones this Christmas. It will be useful in so many ways - diary, recipe book, photo album – and an absolute bargain at just £23.99.
If I sell enough in the run up to Christmas, I’ll treat the family to extra champagne, a couple of free range geese and Christmas pudding. In the right carb-protein ratio of course.